Sassy was a mutt. Somehow that makes it all the more difficult. Why? She cannot be replaced. Period. No, I know you couldn't just replace a lab with another lab and expect that to fill the hole either but at the end of the day, you'd still have a similar look and a 'comfort zone' in that you already sort of know what the new lab would be like. Sassy was a small dog with a huge personality. There are so many things I could mention; the way her tiny stubby tail would wag (her entire body) and she was such a jumper and most of all, a barker (and a nipper).
When I get home tonight, the other dogs will be waiting by the door. The little one will whine, the large one may bark (or 'woof') but there won't be any incessant yapping from Sassy. She won't jump up, she won't put more paw prints on my car and she won't nibble on my hands. Some of these things used to bug me; I can't tell you how much I wish she was there to meet me tonight...
I let the dogs out to 'do their business' this morning; they always run around the backyard or sometimes running just a few yards away. The back yard is fenced but there are places where a silly long-bodied dog can squeeze under. With the exception of one time (where a kind soul picked her up), to my knowledge she didn't get out in the road, guessing she'd usually just stick close to the house, along the sidewalk, checking out the world. Or if on the other side of our back yard, out in the neighboring (empty) side yard, where she would surely see who or what was out there amongst the overgrowth. Today? Yes, she got in the road. Or at least the side of the road, as that is where I found her. Somehow I already knew what had happened when I turned onto that road today; I don't know why. I knew when everyone came back and she didn't come running (late, as usual, but she always came back eventually). I drove out of the neighborhood so I could get to the the busy road behind our house; hoping I would find her, but not how I did.
I've never had to pick up my dog (or anyone else's for that matter) and put them lifeless into my trunk (a silent thank-you to the school bus driver who saw what was going on and stopped to let me cross the road to my car parked in the middle). God, I wish I could have opened my door and have her jump in, with her looking at me asking, "what, was I bad?" I got to see her this morning; I got to hear her bark and got to pet her and she might have even nibbled my fingers, I can't fully recall. What is going to hang in my head forever is the fact that I had to put my dog in a trash bag. A fucking trash bag... I talked to her and rubbed on her and told her how much I loved her but I still had to take her away for cremation in a trash bag. She's gone and I can't believe it...
Death spares no one. I don't think you are ever prepared to face a life without ____ (again, fill in the blank). It's when it happens so quickly, so out of the blue, that it just feels like a knife to the gut. When my Dad passed, in the eternal scheme of things, I feel it was 'for the best' (yet another cliche). Based on life events and health 'stuff' it somehow seems 'okay' how he passed. I still think about him daily and miss him but you realize that there will be 'that time' for all of us and I know he lived an incredible life (yet another huge personality). What about this little toasted coconut, Sassy? (or her given name, Sassy Britches... long story) We could search high and low and I can assure you there will be no other dog in my life like Sassy. She is my first loss and I can't believe she's gone. I cannot get her out of my head. I don't know why I'm posting this; I just have to say how much I loved that silly little dog and how much I will miss her. All of us will...
My wife always said 'Sassy wants to be good'... she actually WAS good, but damn it, why did you have to go under the fence today? Why today...? Damn it. I miss her so and I can't imagine our family without her. God bless you little dog Sassy; you brought us great joy and you were loved. Thank you for being such a great part of our life...
